Lost and Found in Alaska
IronByChad.com
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Testimony of FAITH
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A new Harley, lots of weed, a couple of drinks............
........And in the back of my mind I was angry at something……...
A deep empty pit that I tried to pretend wasn’t there. A self-loathing that did battle with my over-inflated
ego. Whenever I felt bad about myself, I would put the fault on the world around me. But what could I be
angry at? I never let it show unless the weed ran low...... or if I didn't have a girl .......or if I ran out of
cash.........
1992
Lots of weed...... and lots of cash. Never mind the fact that I couldn’t come up with the lousy $150 I owed
my landlord for rent in the dumpy trailer I lived in, but I did have three grand and a new Harley. I left Alaska
for a 6 week ride to the lower 48. In Payson, AZ , I checked into a hotel and as I sat there all alone I stared
out the window. I noticed a rock band setting up in the parking lot across the street. So I rode my Harley
over to see what was going on, expecting a party of my sort. I asked some people if they wanted to smoke
some of my Alaskan weed. Well they didn't want to; it turned out that it was a Christian band...........
Well I didn't let that scare me off. The guy that was talking with me seemed like a pretty cool dude. He
asked me if I was a Christian- and my reply was that I was Catholic. I was raised in a good Catholic home. I
was taught that God is Holy. I just figured everyone else was uninformed.
I especially disliked those people who said you had to be 'born again', they all seemed so self-righteous. I
considered it all a charade. I hated it when they talked about Jesus. I always wondered if they had
something that I did not. I didn't really care because these people had nothing for me as far as I was
concerned.
The guy in that parking lot in Payson talked to me a lot, but I can’t remember a thing he said. In one ear
and out the other. But there was something about the guy, and I kept asking him where he had been
because I was sure that I knew him from somewhere. I almost forgot he was a “Jesus Freak”, in fact I even
let him take my Harley for a ride. When he came back he invited me to his church, I asked him, “what
denomination is your church”?
He said “We are not any particular denomination, just Christians”. Well I knew then it was one of those
‘born-again’ churches.
I told this guy I thought I would go to his church the next morning. I didn't know them and they didn't know
me, so why not? I was feeling kinda religious anyway, even though I knew that “feeling religious” will get
you nowhere.
The next morning I decided not to go. “Not today” I said to myself. As I got out of bed, I thought back in time
to 1984:
I was about 21. I had a girlfriend who got ‘saved’ and dragged me to one of ‘those’ churches. Everyone was
clapping and singing to Jesus. In my eyes these people were all going overboard. They were not humble
or acting holy enough and I felt like they all thought they were better than me. I wondered what kind of trick
the pastor had used to seduce all these people into his cult. I couldn't stand it, I couldn’t wait to get out of
there. As we were leaving my girlfriend Lana told the pastor that I was not born again yet and he looked at
me and smiled, that was all it took for me to want to get away from him…….. I can’t remember what he said
but I actually ducked under someone and ran like someone had tossed a grenade…….and it ended my
relationship with her.
As I left Payson on my Harley and rode down the highway towards the Grand Canyon. I felt as if I had
turned my back on God . I started to get all convicted about it, so hoping to appease the good Lord, I said a
couple of memorized prayers. Didn't work. I didn't feel any better and I felt very lonely and divided within
myself. I felt like I was never truly satisfied. I was only comfortable with myself when I lied to myself saying,
“I’m happy” or “I’m doing okay”. The truth was I was only okay or happy when I had something to fill the
void; drugs, alcohol, sex, pride, and even work did it sometimes, or even sleep. Anything to avoid the truth.
The hard reality of an empty heart often greeted me when these others were not available, but lately even if
they were available. It was getting harder and harder to live comfortably with who I was.
All these thoughts were going through my head as I was riding my Harley down the Arizona highway. The
bitterness of my empty heart made me angry and depressed. I got a little weepy about myself. Part of me
knew I was living against God and part of me said “who cares, I go to church once in a while, and I’m not so
bad”. I was so angry. At that point I got a bold bitterness inside of me and I yelled out loud to myself, “----
it” , “ I don't ----ing CARE”. I can remember it as if it was yesterday.
“I am going to live for myself”. My sadness went away and my heart felt cold as stone. I had become ‘self-
reliant’. The truth was that I had drifted as far from God as I could and I did not care…. besides “I'm not a
bad guy--- what does God expect? Sheesh!”
This was a major turning point in my life. I felt like I had just become a man. I wouldn't take any crap from
anyone, especially some Jesus freak telling me about some ‘personal relationship’ with God. I felt like I
already had a personal relationship with God, but deep down inside I was lying to myself, and I knew it.
My religion was what I wanted it to be. I took what I liked and disregarded the stuff I didn't like. The truth
was that my god was my own want and how to fulfill it. So I sin a little bit once in a while- big deal- I’m not
hurting anyone. I am better than most people anyways. If God has a problem with that, then I will just have
to do a little extra time in ‘purgatory’ to pay for my sins. Made sense to me, that is what I was taught. Even
though I was not sure, how else could I justify myself?
I was so sick of everything, I sat on the edge of the Grand Canyon that afternoon and fantasized about
driving my motorcycle off the edge and killing myself, but knew I didn't have the guts.
I ended my Harley ride around the country after driving 13,000 miles. I parked my bike at my sisters place in
Oregon and flew back to Alaska to work all winter at my job as a heavy equipment operator.
Back in Alaska for the winter II drifted into a comfort zone –I worked, I smoked, I drank, I slept. At work I had
a Christian boss who was a nice guy. There was also another “born againer” named Darryl who always
gave me grief. One day he gave me a cassette tape of some Christian rock bands “Applehead and rose”.
I thought to myself, "I bet they suck!"
I can't even hardly remember anything about that winter. It was cold and I was depressed, that I remember.
I drank a lot and smoked a lot of dope. On weekends I would go to the bar, but never felt like I fit in.
The only thing I had to look forward to was spring and getting back on my harley.
When spring came I had another couple grand saved up to travel the country again (still did not have the
money for rent though). I flew down to Eugene, Oregon to my sisters place. I sat in my sisters garage to
work on my Harley and pulled out my cassette tapes. I put in Black Sabbath which I really liked. My little
niece ‘Kati’ came out to see me. She was only about five and what she said just blew me away- “WHAT are
you listening to?” I told her, “Black Sabbath” and she said “well, it sounds like someones DYING!”. She was
right, it did sound like someone dying. I felt stupid. What kind of example am I to this little kid? Not a good
one I thought.
After a few days I left for my ride but it was an uneventful 9,000 miles. I can remember getting tired of the
tapes I had so I put in the Christian rock tape that Darryl had given me and listened to it while I rode my
Harley. I was surprised at how good these "Jesus Rockers" were. I listened to them a lot, just for something
different. I drifted the back roads and bars and hotels of the southwest before heading north to my
Grandmas home in western North Dakota.
It was a favorite place to be from my childhood. My Grandpa Herman was such a nice guy, but he had
passed away and they place seemed so lonely. My Grandma Francis is a very kind lady, and she fed me
for a few days. While she was at work I found myself all alone at her house. I had never seen this house
empty before. It was always full of happy people. I put some music on to chase away the silence. I recall it
was Pantera, they were heavy rockers, and something about it gave me the creeps, so I had to turn it off. I
guess if you could hear the lyrics it would give you the creeps also.
I left my Grandmas and felt very sad. I did not like who I had turned into. As a child I never would have
imagined that I could be so empty. I headed across Canada, only 2,500 more miles to go.
After a week more or so I was glad to get back to Alaska. The emptiness in me was getting harder to avoid.
Customizing my Harley seemed to be a good fix- for a while. But, even the Harley was no big deal anymore.
Work was going well. A giant tractor did wonders for my already inflated ego. In my spare time I made iron
artwork and it was selling more and more. Those few things helped me finance the other bad habits I had
developed to fill in the void of an empty heart.
Enter into this story again Darryl and Lyle. Darryl was employed where I worked. He seemed cool and was a
down to earth sort of person. He asked me one day if I had been born again and I said “I'm a Catholic”.
He asked if I had invited Jesus into my heart, and the conversation ended there. “What a jerk!” I thought. I
had never seriously invited Jesus into my heart and I did not want to, lest I turn into a freak like Darryl,
talking about Jesus all the time.
Yet Darryl never gave up. He would come up to me and say that he was praying for me, and that I needed
to invite Jesus into my heart. This guy was very annoying to me, who does he think he is?
Even though it did make sense what Darryl was saying about having a personal relationship with Christ- I
really didn't care. Never the less, whenever I saw him he would either say “when are you going to open your
heart to Jesus?” or “We prayed for you last night at our home group”. Darryl was annoying because he
never let me slide past his office without some sort of smart comment like “hello”.
My boss’ name was Lyle and he was an Christian also. He never forced his religion on me, but was a really
nice guy. He could have fired me many times, but he would just say that if I ever messed up again I would
be fired. He had a “good idea” that I was smoking marijuana while operating the front end loader. He said
that if he caught me again, I would be fired. So seeing that I could not ‘easily’ pull the wool over his eyes I
came up with a sob story for him, hoping to play on his Christian weakness for actually caring about
people. I told him that I couldn't stop smoking pot. Instead of firing me he said "I know who can help you".
I knew he meant Jesus, so I acted interested so maybe I could keep my job. My plan had worked. But what
he said to me stuck with me, and I felt kinda sleazy for using his love for God to keep my job.
The winter of '93-'94 was getting me down. I was having a lot of nightmares. I mean I can handle a bad
dream or two but these were really bad. I had to work at 4 am every day so I would have to get up about
3:30 AM to get there on time. The bad dreams would always hit me right before I would wake up. I started
to fantasize about suicide in order to escape. Evil seemed very real in my sleep like the devil himself was
doing his best to seal my fate. I bought some cocaine just so I wouldn't sleep much but it only left me with
the blues when I ran out. One day as I was flipping through the channels I heard a preacher say
something about the Holy Spirit, and he talked like it was something so real to him, I became so angry and
turned the TV off and cursed God. I had never experienced any ‘Holy Spirit’. I was angry with God because
my life sucked.
I went to sleep, I dreamed that I was dead. Buried in a cold dark underground cell. Lying on a bed of cold
stone. I couldn’t move or talk. The devil came toward me. I thought to myself, “I had better wake up now to
escape this nightmare”. I wanted the devil just to keep walking by and not notice me. I could not wake up.
The devil turned and walked into my cell- then walked right up to where I was laying, I couldn’t move or
scream. I wanted to scream so bad! Then the most frightening thing happened- he slid his arms under
me. I swear my heart quit beating! The terror of him touching me! I thought for sure I would now wake up
because this was so scary- I knew I was having a dream but I COULD NOT WAKE UP! Then the devil
picked me up and pulled me close to hug me and to take me to hell……. I was full of so much regret for my
life. Then I woke up. I have never been so scared. Suicide did not seem like such a good idea anymore,
but I couldn't stop thinking about killing myself. I had what I wanted in life (Harley, dope, girls, and alcohol),
but I was very unsatisfied.
The next day at work I saw Darryl, I usually tried to avoid him, but he saw me and said “How are you doing?”
I told him, “not to good”.
He said “you don't look so good, what's going on?”
I explained my nightmares to him and how they would not go away. He said, “Can I pray for you?”.
At that point I did not care, so I said “Go ahead”, thinking he would go home and pray for me before he went
to bed like a good little Christian boy. I was wrong. Without hesitating he put his hands on my shoulders
and began to praise God right then and there at work. I thought “this guy is a freak and embarrassing”, but
as he prayed for me, part of my heart softened........ I was willing for anything to work. A few tears flowed
down my face and landed on his shoes. I don’t know why I remember that, why did my tears land on his
shoes? It seemed so surreal.
He only prayed for a minute and I was glad when he was done so I could get away from him. I quickly put it
behind me. It never crossed my mind again that day. I went home and smoked and drank myself to sleep
as usual, choosing not to remember Darryl praying for me earlier that day, I was embarrassed by the whole
thing.
I woke up at 3:15 AM to go to work (I work at 4am) and realized I did not have any nightmares- I was
thrilled! I rolled a joint and went to work, still not remembering that Darryl had prayed that God would
protect me in my sleep. Then I saw Darryl at 7:30am and I said to myself, "Here comes that Jesus freak that
prayed for me yesterday".
He greeted me and asked, "how are you doing?"
I replied "pretty good".
Then he said to me in a serious tone, "I woke up at 3 am this morning and felt that God wanted me to pray
for you some more".
Needless to say, I thought Darryl might have a nut loose, but realizing that his prayers for my nightmares
had been answered, I told him "well thanks Darryl, I didn't have any bad dreams last night and slept rather
well" .
He said, "That's the power of the Lord knocking on your heart, Chad".
I said "yea, yea, whatever." Part of me wondered if it was his prayer to God, but most of me thought it was
the power of suggestion.
Then I saw Lyle. Him and Darryl didn't even go to the same church. He had no idea about my nightmares,
nor did he know that Darryl prayed for me the day before or at 3 am that morning. He came right up to me
like he was on a mission from God or something and said, “Good morning, how are you doing?” He actually
cared how I was doing.
I looked at him strangely. “I'm fine” I replied.
Lyle said, “I have to tell you something: God woke me up at 3 am this morning to pray for you, so I woke up
my wife, and we both prayed for you, and I was wondering why? What's going on with you, Chad?”
I was shocked, how could he have known anything? At that point I told him I didn't know what he was talking
about and abruptly left. This bothered me so much I went and hid in a loft trying to understand what was
going on. I knew that my nightmares hit me just before I woke up to go to work, and it was too weird that
right then God would wake three people at three in the morning to pray for me. How did Lyle know to pray
for me? How did Darryl know when to pray for me?? Next my thoughts turned to God........ I turned my
face upward and I cried out in my heart “God, why are you doing this to me? Why do you care? I am a bad
man and I told you I didn't want anything to do with changing! What are you trying to do? Why can’t I just
live my life my way and be happy?”
I was a mess.
I waited a few hours to get my head together. The I went and saw Darryl in his office. I did not let on that I
was having a hard time but for some reason I asked him to give me something in the Bible to read.
Whenever I read it before I would just flip to any old page and read a few paragraphs, not understanding
anything. Then I would put it on the shelf to collect dust for another couple of years. Darryl told me to read
the book of Romans and after that to read the book of Acts.
I went home and started to read the book of Romans, doubting that it would have any effect on me.
I read chapter one , which goes on and on about idolaters, adulterers, homosexuals, murderers,
untrustworthy, unmerciful, and unforgiving people. I started to feel better about myself, “I am not these
people and am not as bad as them. They are the ones that need God, not me!” I started to feel like I had
found a way out of this ‘religious’ experience.
Then I read chapter 2 verse 1-and my heart sunk.
Romans 2:1
“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge
the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”
My heart sunk and I knew the bible was right! I was not just as bad as those people I judged, I was worse! I
had judged them as worse than me, but the truth was that I had committed the same crimes. I kept
reading.........
2 “Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth.”
3 “So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will
escape God's judgment?”
I knew then that I needed to escape God’s judgment! But how?
4 “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that
God's kindness leads you toward repentance?”
Ugh! Of course I was repentant, but so what!? Who isn't when things are going badly?
God has been kind to me - I mean He keeps giving me chances to turn to Him. He is patient with me. He
has tolerated me, or so I thought. I didn't know that He was actually in love with me. I have done things I
should not have including hurting others. I always avoided a real experience with Him because I was selfish
and self righteous. I knew at this point I had the chance to change my life. I went to bed not knowing if I had
the guts. From the outside, Christianity looked like no fun at all and a bunch of stupid rules. Yet I was
starting to see that God actually cared about me personally.
The next two days there was no escape from the reality that I had to make a choice. I was reeling inside
knowing I had to put a cap on this experience. I came up with another “plan”. I figured I would go to Darryl’s
house on the night of his “bible study group” and get ‘Born Again’. It would get him off my back and please
my boss at the same time. My plan was to pray for Jesus to come into my heart, and then, after nothing
happened, I would go home to drink and smoke and forget about the whole thing. I figured that something
spiritual only happens to people who are brainwashed after going to a bunch of ‘charismatic’ services.
January 6th, 1994:
That night I showed up at Darryl’s home for bible study, but I came early so I could get it over with and leave
before any other ‘wackos’ started to show up. As I sat there waiting for Darryl to finish his dinner, my mind
started to spin.
A clear voice in my head said, “this sucks, get the hell out of here! You don't need this crap! LEAVE! Jump
out the window! Get the hell out of here! This sucks! JUMP OUT THE WINDOW!” I was red hot mad at
myself for even allowing myself to be there! What in the hell was I thinking coming here!
I had visions of jumping out his picture window and blood everywhere. “Darryl, we got to do this right now” I
said. Looking back on that moment I did not even know what I meant when I said that! Darryl was eating
dinner and had a mouth full of food and looked at me strangely, and said “okay”. He casually came over to
where I was sitting and put his hand on my shoulder and told me to pray with him. Suddenly a wave of
remorse came over me. I was truly repentant for my sins for the first time in my life. He praised God and
thanked Jesus for the blood he shed on the cross. Then Darryl told me to pray out loud what he prayed,
“Father, I am a sinner, but I believe that Jesus Christ died for me and shed his precious blood on the cross
for my sins, and I ask You, Jesus, to come into my heart now”.
Right then the voices in my head went silent and tears were running down my face, I had dropped off of the
sofa on to my knees. I had never sobbed so greatly. At that moment something happened that was unlike
anything I had ever experienced. Even though my eyes were closed I saw Christ on the cross looking down
at me and I knew that He loved me! His arms were stretched out by the nails in His hands, but it was
almost as if He was saying “I am yours, and I forgive you and I love you!”
Now I know, at that point, I was born again by the Spirit of God, and filled with His power. No drug could
mimic this feeling. I lost all my inhibitions before God and never felt so accepted and loved by Jesus. I
became His child and He became my Daddy. Within a few moments I remember other people started to
show up at Darryl's house. This guy named Tom Hogan walked in the door with his guitar and took one look
at me and started singing “look what the Lord has done!” I mean, this guy did not know me from Adam, but
it was just like the guy in Payson. Something about him was familiar. What some people might call a
“kindred spirit”. I will never forget it.
For the next two hours I sat there through bible study. Jesus had become so real and personal to me. It is
true. It is such a wonderful thing. Nobody could understand it unless they truly had it happen to them.
From the outside Christianity looked like a bunch of decieved people following a bunch of burdonsome
rules, but the truth is-on the inside- Christ lifted off the burdens that I was carrying. God gave me- through
Jesus Christ- a new mind, a new ‘want-to’ be His friend.
Now I know God dealt with the sins of this world. He became a man and shed His own blood on the cross for
me and you. What could be more moving than a man give his life to save another? How much more
powerful and righteous is the Creator of the world giving His own life as a payment for the sins that we
have committed? The only thing more heart wrenching than that is the fact that most people don’t even
care! Do you care? Where are you at? What will your answer be to Him on the day you stand before him?
Revelation 21:5
"Behold, I make all things new."
Song of Songs 2:14
"O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your
voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely."
Can you believe that Jesus would feel that way about you. It is not based on what good or bad things you
have done, but it is based on He has done.
God came in the form of a man named Jesus.
He allowed us to nail Him to the cross.
He rose from the dead and offers forgiveness to anyone who believes on Him.
Do you believe?
Isn’t it beautiful? Who could have come up with a more beautiful plan? Only God.
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your
souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Revelation 3:20
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him
and dine with him, and he with Me.
Jeremiah 31:3
......"Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.”
God sees in you the little child He died for....
The rest is good history as you can see by looking at the ABOUT page on my website.
“But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in
His name” John 1:12
I painted this picture in 1984 because that is what I felt like inside. Ten years later I found out that someone
else loved me even then and was waiting for me the whole time......
"O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your
voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely." Song of Songs 2:14
In 1975 I was 11 years old. I got caught shoplifting and out of fear of my dad I ran away from home. I rode
my bicycle 35 miles into Minnesota before it got dark. I was picked up by a young couple who drove me
another 30 miles down the road.
That night I slept alone in an old bunkhouse at Maple lake. My parents had no idea where I was. The next
day I decided to go home and say I was sorry. The wind was against me and I only made it about 10 miles
and was so tired. I was still 55 miles from home. An old couple in an old pick up truck pulled over and
offered me a ride.
The old man had his wife sit in the back of the truck and told me to ride up front. I was scared. All the way
back to Grand Forks this guy talked about Jesus. How much Jesus loved us. Even as a child I wondered
how this guy could actually believe that Jesus was so real. When I got home I did not get the beating from my
dad that I deserved. My parents were so relieved that I was back with them.
Do you think that maybe God feels the same way about you?
I remember in 1989 I was stuck in Valdez, Alaska with my 100 pound dog. It was raining and I had hitch hiked
far enough out of town that I could not turn back, but I was without a ride or money or shelter. It was raining
and I had a big wet dog with me, and 340 more miles to get home to Fairbanks. Every twenty minutes or so a
car would drive by, I would stick out my thumb and they would just drive by. Could you blame them? I can’t
say that I would be excited to pick up a wet hitchhiker with his wet stinky giant Akita dog in the middle of
nowhere. After a few hours I was talking out loud to myself, cursing my situation. Then I saw a pick up
truck. On the bug deflector it said in all caps “JESUS IS LORD”. That truck did not even slow down. I hated
that mans religion. I said out loud to God, “if Jesus is Lord have that guy turn around!” Then I watched as
the truck disappeared into the distance.
About five minutes later I saw a truck coming the other direction, and as it got closer I realized it was the
same truck! I thought he must have forgotten something in Valdez, but he pulled right up to me and said, “I
can’t give you a ride because I am turning off the road up there but I can give you my lunch.”
I thought, oh crap! I should have said “if Jesus is Lord, have that guy turn around and bring me to
Fairbanks!”
The lesson here is, be specific when you pray!
Written about my life leading up to January 6th, 1994.